Dear ABBY: My best friend of 40 years, Savannah, has been in a bad marriage for 20 of them.
Her husband has repeatedly cheated on her. He can’t hold down a job and emotionally abuses her and her daughter.
Now that she has finally had enough, he refuses to leave the house.
No matter how bad his behavior has been, Savannah is doing nothing to move the divorce forward.
She continues to pay for his travel and includes him at family gatherings in what she calls a “sacrifice” made at her daughter’s request.
It’s been so hard to be supportive, to hear how hurtful this has been, to support her when she says she’s getting out, and then to hear that for one reason or another he’s still there.
When I challenge her and suggest that she is making excuses for not moving forward with the divorce, she becomes defensive and shuts down the conversation.
Over the past two years, she has taken it upon herself to call me twice a day and gets frustrated if I don’t answer.
I have asked her not to tell me stories about her husband’s behavior – which usually lasts a week or two.
I’m at my wit’s end on how to be a good friend without taking on the stress of her dire situation and feeling generally overwhelmed by the extent of it.
What can I do to help him but also prevent our friendship from blowing up? – TIRED FRIEND IN MICHIGAN
Dear Tired Friend: What you might need to do is admit that one of the reasons Savannah’s dysfunctional marriage has lasted so long is because she wants to.
She doesn’t need to move forward because she has you to fall back on when the pressure gets too much.
It may be time to stop focusing on what you can do to help Savannah and focus on what you need to do to help yourself.
If that means stepping back and letting her figure out solutions to her problems without your help, don’t feel guilty about it.
Dear ABBY: For years, a group of us former co-workers have gone out to dinner once a month. My daughter is part of the group and she is also the youngest.
Recently, it has been dismissed and ignored by two members of our group (there are six of us).
Being her mother, I am hurt by the way they treated her. She hasn’t gone out with us anymore, but I’m not sure if I should stop either.
They have been nothing but good to me. I’m at a loss what to do – to go or not to go? — INJURY IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR INJURY: Have you asked these two former co-workers why they made your daughter feel unwanted?
Their behavior was rude. Have you asked the two who were welcomed what they think about all this?
Maybe you (and your daughter) will feel more comfortable hanging out with them alone. That said, I don’t think you should leave the group if you enjoy their company.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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